Onikakushi
by OnceUponALullaby
Summary: Roxas, you need to come back now. RokuSora.


鬼隠し

_(I wanted you to know, I love the way you laugh._

_I want to hold you high and steal your pain...)_

Today, Mommy gave up. Said you weren't ever going to come back. _(I refuse to believe it, though. Not you, you're so strong, no one can hurt you)_ But just in case you don't come back_ (You will though, right? Right, Roxy? You promised you'd never leave me, promised you'd always come back for me)_ I'm writing my thoughts in this letter, to you.

I love you, you know. I'm sure you've noticed by now. Everyone else has. _(Except for Kairi, but Riku says she just doesn't want to face the truth.)_ In fact, Naminè's known it for ages. _(I told her years ago, Roxas, years. And she liked you, went though all that time knowing her crush's brother was in love with him... You should give her more credit, Rox, she's a lot stronger then you think.)_

Mommy once told us that the bible says being gay is going against God. Loving your own brother _(your own __**twin**_) is even worse. Well, that was the last nail on the coffin. I was pretty much damned from the start.

_(The worst is over now, and we can breath again._

_I want to hold you high; you steal my pain away...)_

Can you imagine being me? Six years old, and you already know you're going to Hell? I was so sure, because there was no one I loved more then you. And as we got older, it only got worse. You want to know why I've stopped hugging you lately? I was so, so afraid you'd find out I loved you. That's how bad my self-restraint was; I didn't even trust myself to touch you anymore.

I know you're probably not going to read this, _(because you're going to come back, Roxas, and everything will be fine, and I won't have to show you this letter-)_ but if you do, please don't hate me. I don't think I'd be able to live with the thought that my brother _(my twin, my love, my heart, my soul)_ hated me. And I'm not above suicide, Roxas. Surely you'd know that by now, too. _(Because I'd do anything to get you back, even if it meant I'd have to die.)_

So please come back. You _have_ to come back. Without you... our family isn't _our _family. Daddy's never home now, I haven't even seen him since you disappeared. Mommy puts on a brave face, but... she's losing him, Roxas. Because we all knew that you were his favorite child, _(and you can't say that's not true, you know the only reason Mommy pays so much attention to me is because of that)_ and now that you're gone, I guess he just doesn't have a lot of reason to be part of this family anymore. _(And Mommy's going insane, Roxas; every night she disappears into her room and cries)_ and the entire family's suffering, because we're all falling apart. _(Because there was nothing to keep us together but you.) _We need you back here, Roxas. You need to come back now.

_(Because I'm broken when I'm open, and I don't feel like I'm strong enough..._

_Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome, and I don't feel right when you've gone away...)_

Surprisingly, I've only just figured out why we have such different last names, even though we're the twins of a married couple. When I looked back on how naïve I was back then, I was so, so, so ashamed I haven't noticed it before. Roxas Strife. Sora Leonhart. Was I really so stupid that I never questioned it before? You and Cloud are Daddy's children, and I guess Leon and I are Mommy's. Roxas, what'll we do if they get a divorce? What if I never see you again, never, ever, and I'm just here not doing anything, helpless little baby, can't do _anything_ on his own-

But I shouldn't be talking like this. Because that'll never happen, it can't. _(But it will, Roxas, and even I know I'm just denying the truth.)_

I guess I just don't know what to do anymore, without you here. I haven't even gone to school, and Riku's stayed with me, comforting me and saying you'll be alright when I know you're _not_ and I can't do anything because I'm just so damn _useless-_

So every day I just sit here on your bed, sobbing, screaming. Breathe in the sent of cinnamon gum, remember the taste of your sea-salt ice cream; bury my head in your pillow and scream, scream, scream. Dreaming, something I was so afraid to do before, because it means letting my guard down in the presence of the Darkness, is now my favorite thing to do, because when I dream, it's of you. _(And it's as though you've never left; as though this awful nightmare was just a figment of someone's imagination.)_ And then I wake up, and start sobbing like a child all over again because it means accepting the fact that you're gone and you might _never come back._

I can tell everyone's getting sick of it; Riku's not coming over as much, and Kairi actually slapped me and told me to 'Get over it, we're all suffering but you can't keep depending on him for the rest of your life.'

Kairi's taking over my life. I'm not even allowed to _think _about you, since I've apparently got _her_ now; because she's a bloody _'Princess of Heart'_ and I'm the _'Keybearer'_ and destiny _'meant for us to be together,'_ ever since we shared that papou fruit on the beach ten years ago. _(She can't accept the fact that I don't love her anymore, can't accept the fact that it's _you_ I have now)_ and Naminè's crying and just stares at all her drawings of you all the time, _(because without you she's just an empty shell, Roxas, and the entire world is washed in grey) _and she broke every picture frame of us together because she knows I love you and you don't love her and everything's spinning out of control.

And then Mommy's the worst, just sitting on the couch, sobbing into her hands and it's _"Don't worry, Mommy and Daddy are just having a fight, Sora, baby, and Roxas will come back and everything will be fine-"_ and it makes me sick, just looking at it all makes me sick!

I remember there was once a quote I heard in a song, "So say it if it's worth saving me."

Is it worth saving me?

I don't even know anymore.

-Sora


End file.
